TH3: The best reason to call in sick on Fridays

Horn-E’s Tails of the Trail

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The Tale of the Trail
The Thirstday Hash, 5 Feb 2014 by Horn-E
…..W Jew 40 was setting this out of The Tap Room for his birthday. Unfortunately snow reared its ugly head and this would be a short course. I can still fall behind. It was relatively simple as we headed west and through an alley and finally heading south on slippery, not fully shoveled sidewalks. I was following Lifa down the street when suddenly the leaders are coming right back at us on the side walk. I get up there and with my slow pace, I managed to block about five hounds until we hit an area where someone bothered to shovel the whole sidewalk and I could move aside for the pack. They ran ahead and we could see the FRBs heading east on another street. But this only went to an alley and back north. This allowed me to short cut but I was still in last place. So what else is new. They went into an alley just before Fullerton and I went straight to Fullerton. From there I could see them crossing Fullerton and it was a Check. Lifa was coming my way and so I followed to a Split, heading north. but we never found the third mark. O’Shitty Runch yelled that they were On to the west and we headed north a block and then west to intercept them. We were mostly running in the street as the walks were to slippery and not shoveled. We ran On to Fullerton where I paralleled the trail on the east side of the street. Lifa came to a Triple Split and I checked out the alley and found nothing. So I was now following the pack with only Epi Penis behind me and that didn’t last long. Ahead I could see the pack crossing Logan Blvd and a Check. I crossed Logan early and Just Graham was coming my way and he was On. Good, and I followed as we now headed north. A block later the was a Split and the pack was now heading west to California. Hmmm. If I go straight, they will probably return on Diversey. Bingo. As I got to Diversey, Just Graham was passing that corner and about to be On after another Check. I followed and soon more hounds starting passing me. We hit three Splits in a row and no one took the bait and headed north. Finally at that third one, I had just headed south at the Split when Lifa called On, a block away. I now followed and was joined by Just Steff and we ran over to Western and south. At Logan we turned and there is a skate board park under the Expressway and there was the pack at a beer stop. 
…..And this was some beer stop. As I got there I could see this 24 Oz bottle sitting on the ground with foam pouring out the top and freezing. WTF. I grabbed a can and opened it and foam started to bubble out I took a drink and the beer was coming out in chunks. WTF. After each sip I could see the beer flowing out the top and had to quickly sip again. All alcohol. The water part was frozen. Finally liquid quit comiog out the top. I tried to drink and nothing was comng out. Just frozen inside. So I threw away what was left and joined the parade back to the bar. 
…..Back at the bar we had more bad news. The bars domestic beer taps were down. WTF. So they offered us cider as a replacement. Not here. Several of us ended up buying our own beer. Lifa found a good micro for $4.75 and we drank that. Meanwhile the pack is snarfing up on that cider. The circle was a bit chaotic and down downs were flowing. Roofie Ragu was called out for running in shorts and so was Four Score In The Back Door. Where did he come from. So who else was on trail. Snotcho Mama, One Fuck Chuck, Taste The Rainbow, Foamy Discharge, The Dark Kunt, Drill In My Box, and Hooch B4 Cooch. The house puppies were really out this night as we had Its Too soft, Just Max, Slippery Fingers, Just Dave and Soul Taco.
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The Tale of the Trail
The Thirstday Hash #434
Thu, Mar 15, 2012 by Horn-E
…..Mount Schwiinga laid a trail from Tai’s ’til four. Technically, a fine trail for 21 trail hounds. Trouble is, this is a pack of hashers and something always goes wrong. But what? Right after the start there was a Check and Chicken Stifer and Horn-E headed east in an alley. Trail went north. At the next street we saw the pack still heading north and Chicken Stifer went east. This is sometimes were we lose Chicken Stifer. Horn-E went through a gangway and saw O’Shitty Runch checking out a Split. Meanwhile the pack found trail to the west and they were off. A few blocks later as Horn-E emerged from an alley, Chicken Stifer ran by. We didn’t lose him after all. and we continued weaving east and west as the trail headed north. At Irving Park I found myself caught in trafic and couldn’t really see were the pack went. Soon Roofie Ragu arrived and we took off towards Ashland and north were we spotted the pack. Then I made a fatal mistake. I stopped to remove my long sleeve shirt and put it into a back pack and the pack of hounds disappeared. When you fall behind and the trail is swept correctly, you can catch up, sometimes. But when the pack is sweeping, sometimes their arrows are a little off and that really screwed me a few times. First, there was a Check on Montrose. Whoever swept this part, followed along the south side of the street and marked a turn to the south on Damen. Trouble was the true trail went on the north side of the street and there was a Triple Split at Damen. At the Triple Split I asked some civilians which way the pack went. They said some went north and some went west. Trail went south and a half mile of Checking later, I found the turn sweep mark. Ooops. A few blocks later there was a Check at Lincoln. Again it was marked and looked like it pointed south on Lincoln. Actually, after another two blocks off trail I found the trail went south across the street and into a parking lot. Ooops. The last Ooops was at Irving Park and Damen. A six corner Intersection. First a quick Split just before, marked to the south. Then another arrow, but crossed out. Hmmm. Then across the street, another arrow pointing south on Lincoln on the east side of the street and crossed out and an F added. So I return to that previous Split and check it out. Nothing. So I cross Lincoln and find a Check I didn’t know I was at. I headed south on Damen and then crossed over to Lincoln and saw an arrow pointing south on Lincoln, on the west side of the street. Ooops. And this led to a quick run to the beer stop, just before they left.
…..Back at the bar The Dark Kunt called a circle together and it went on and on. We were joined by a minipack of house puppies and the bar kept buying us free pitchers. And I couldn’t drink because of the Meds I’m on. Damn. Other hounds on trail included Lifa, Bang Me Blow Me Get Me Off, Cheeze Eating Surrender Monkey, Poultry Fucker, Glitter Spitter, Hoosier Daddy, Too Much Head, Two Hairnets, Cockpit, Tampon Tampoff, Secret Squirel, The Hasher Formerly Known As Pretty Foreskin, House Of The Rising Sun, Just Mel, Just Mac, Holiballs, and Clifford The Big Red Dog. the house puppies included Erin Go Buff, R-Tard-E, Fistful Of Pricks and SnatchSquatch.
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The Tale of the Trail
The Thirstday Hash #433
Thu, Mar 8, 2012 by Horn-E
…..EZ On The Ass got together with a returning 10 Dix With Wings to put together this mess from Moe’s. We had a nice turnout coming to see 10 Dix With Wings return. The return of the Jewish Princess. Actually this trail didn’t live up to EZ On The Ass’s usual shitty qualities. It was worse. We had 27 trail hounds ready to run and we did. I’d like to tell you where we all ran, but I won’t embarasses the hares. Well, not to much. I do remember running south at one point where there was a Split. Lifa went south and I thought we lost him. Trail went east and then north. but he was soon back with us and we mostly regrouped at a park until the trail was found, right through the middle. Hey, FRBs, where do you think it went. And we headed over to Pulaski and past there. I heard 10 K Tika Ho actually was in front around here. when I saw her, she was now in back with me. Those damn Splits. We went under the tracks and under a closed gate and behind a factory. I’m now behind with The Hasher Formerly Known As Pretty Foreskin and 10 K Tika Ho. We went through a little park and back under the tracks. At this point we saw the pack for the last time. We thought we were DFL for sure. But we ran/walked on. We finally climbed a fence by some homeless guys and lost trail. They probably swept up the flour for pink pancakes in the morning. But Horn-E found trail at Belmont and we headed to a Check at Milwaukee. We split here as Horn-E found trail and they fell behind. But within 17 miles, or was it blocks that seemed like miles, we arrived in an empty lot to cheers from those fast bastards. And beer. About five minutes later, about four more hounds wandered in. We weren’t last after all.
…..Back at the bar, the beer started to flow thanks to That Thing That Vibrates. The Dark Kunt started a circle and we went On and On. What do you think this is, a Chicago Hash. But all was fun and eventually it ended.
Others on trail included Tampon Tampoff, Just John, Happy Ass Grabber, String theory, Roofie Ragu, W Jew 40, Little Trojan Annie, Back Door County, Malort My Ass, Ginger Snatch, Hoosier Daddy, Momma Strangelove, Pull My Pork, Soul Taco, Just Kara, Silent But Deadly, Drill In My Box, Dick In A Box, Chippendale and The Least Interesting Man In The World. We had several House Puppies in attendance, Furry Spice, Hump Me Dump Me, Rotten Whore, Fistful Of Pricks, Way Too Much Jism and Its Too Soft. Eventually we left here and many of us went on for $1 Maragarita’s and breakfast. All right, it wasn’t worse.
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The Tale of the Trail
The Thirstday Hash #432
Thu, Mar 1, 2012 by Horn-E
…..Hoosier Daddy set this trail out of Oasis and promised a shorter run then we have experienced lately. But things still got screwed up. The trail was hi-jacked. Twice. Not funny boys and girls. It is the hares job to plan a party for all of us, fun trail and suitable bar. Any outside plans can and all to often upset these plans and can really screw things up, no matter how well intentioned. This one did get screwed up.
…..Without posting names of the hi-jackers, it all started out with eight trail hounds (and two more joined us later on trail) and a quick detour in the first block into an alley and a quick shot stop. All right, a short diversion, ten minutes, but That Thing that Vibrates now got stuck for an extra ten minutes waiting at the official beer stop. Sometimes time matters and can cause an adverse situation. And it almost upset the hares Checks and trail. But we finally ran on and soon we were heading north on the lakefront to a great Check. Great because several of us hounds were scattered all over heading inland looking for marks. And the trail went back south along the lakefront with big arrows made in the sand and over to the lakeshore. Well done. Following way behind due to looking for trail in the wrong direction, I finally caught up as Roofie Ragu headed inland. I joined Momma Strangelove at Sheridan and we followed west to a BN sign. Another hi-jacking. This one was to a bar that wouldn’t let anyone in without I. D. While this is being sorted out, Roofie Ragu and Crop Duster somehow missed the hi-jack and spent the rest of the trail alone, wondering where we were. I believe Slippery Fingers, Furry Spice, and W Jew 40 went for the beer. Since they were at the finish when I arrived, I assume they either got lost on trail by themselves, or just blew it away. Eventually Horn-E led a contingent of three bimbos, Momma Strangelove, Way To Much Jism and 10 K Tika Ho, to the west at the direction of the hare. At Clark there was a Three Way Split and Horn-E went west. Nothing. On was called to the south and Horn-E ran parallel in an alley. At the next corner he saw one of the bimbos still heading south so he kept on a parallel course. Next corner he found no one in sight. Going back to Clark and north he had to go a block and a half to a Split arrow going down an alley. So that is where they went. And in the alley was a Back Check that Horn-E missed. But this actually led him to the trail a block later. Unfortunately, and to the credit of the hare, it was unmarked here. and so Horn-E back tracked and finally found the true trail. Damn. Now out of sight of the bimbos, who were running with the sweep, Hoosier Daddy, he now had to find all of the Checks and Splits himself. Well, Hoosier Daddy did mark one of them. All in all, it was a decent trail and would have been a lot of fun with the whole pack, but alone, it was at least 45 frustrating minutes to a beer stop at a nice location on the lake, that had already been abandoned. Damn again.
…..10 K Tika Ho led the circle and we managed to get through it and settle into drinking beer and finally all was good. We had three House Puppies, String Theory, Caught Red Headed and Cock Whisperer.
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The Tale of the Trail
The Thirstday Hash #431
Thu, Feb 23, 2012 by Horn-E
…..Well here we go again. Another killer hash. All right, it wasn’t meant to be that long, time wise. But a long hash with a very light but steady rain combined to wipe out a lot of marks, especially at the end. We ran out of Burton Place with two Jar Heads, PlattyPussy and Chippendale laying trail like they were still in training. All right, it wasn’t that bad. But we were out there for about 2:25. Yeah, almost 2 and a half hours.
…..We took off to the south with eight hounds, a small pack even on a rainy night. And it was barely a light spray. Two blocks and one Split later we had our first Check and PlattyPussy eventually had to indicate the correct direction and we followed Happy Ass Grabber. And that happened often. Over to Division and Clark, through an alley, into a garage and another Check on Clark. And again, we are scattered. I don’t know who found this, but we headed east to LSD and another Check in the cold lake front wind. This was found to the south and eventually we went around the Hancock Center and through Water Tower Place to a Split that we simply couldn’t find a mark off of. I was way west when somehow the pack went east and south to Chicago Ave. Unfortunately I saw Roofie Ragu heading east or I would have had a good excuse to return to the warmth of the bar. But we were at another Check and again the hare, Chippendale had to start walking in the correct direction to help us out. We just couldn’t find more then one mark. This led to another Split, through a garage and finally another Check. This time Taste The Rainbow found the third mark at the far end of a parking lot. The first two marks were MIA. We ran over to Grand and east to another missing mark. This time Horn-E got lucky and found the marks on walls under a construction tunnel. We then headed over to Navy Pier. That figures, two Marines had to show their connection to the Navy. But did we have to run all over it. We finally came out following Pull My Pork who eventually led us to a beer stop just under LSD. We needed that. Now lets head back to the bar. Oooops, not. We headed over the Chicago River and headed along the river to another Check at Michigan and Wacker. This one took us quite a while and we really ranged all over before we finally headed north on Michigan and into the lower level. From here I could see the pack disappearing, but barely kept Hoosier Daddy in sight. We Checked at State and somehow I ended up running in front with Hoosier Daddy and PlattyPussy as we kept going west. At La Salle we ended up with Malort My Ass, The Dark Kunt, Happy Ass Grabber, and Horn-E watching the hare try to figure out where in hell the trail went next. Even technology wasn’t helping. Finally Roofie Ragu came sprinting up like a desperate wet hound glad to find someone he knew. Finally the pack was called by PlattyPussy and we headed north, following him, as we worked our way over to Wells and over to the B location, a block from Burton Place. As Horn-E finally just quit running and started walking, along came Pull My Pork and Taste The Rainbow out of no where, also lost.
…..We sat in the bar about 15 minutes before someone arrived with hash cash and we finally got some beer, about 10:10. Then all the cuddly little House Puppies arrived, including String Theory, Barf Fly, Furry Spice, Glitter Spitter, Drill In My Box, Four Score In The Back Door and The Least Interesting Man In The World.
…..Happy Ass Grabber led a relaxed circle, because we damn well weren’t going to stand up. We didn’t let any of the House Puppies participate for quite a while as we punished the hares over and over with the same song, “Off we go.” Finally we let the rest into the circle and let Four Score In The Back Door lead the circle. Then we kept giving him down downs. Six of us closed out the hash about 1AM. We drank the bar out of Bud and were stuck with Bud Light.
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The Tale of the Trail
The Thirstday Hash #430
Thu, Feb 16, 2012 by Horn-E
…..We ran out of Streeter’s with Barf Fly and Furry Spice as our hares. I knew it would be long and fast. Just not that long and fast. Lifa said he had over 6 on his GPS and that included a lot of underground. Whatever. Someone else had around 8 miles. We had 14 hounds at the start and we were soon heading east and north a block to a Split, I ventured east just as The Least Interesting Man In The World yelled On. But it seemed to end after a block. I suggested across Michigan and we dashed across and The Least Interesting Man In The World was soon On. After a block we had a Check and it was found just as I got there. From here we headed south, mostly along Columbus. Furry Spice tried to give me a short cut, but the pack was also heading that way and I was still dead last along with Grateful Dick even though I knew we were heading to the Marilyn Monroe Statue. There was a Check there and the pack was soon On as a few of us were taking pictures. Bye. We didn’t see them again until the shot stop along the north branch of the river. Furry Spice tried to give us short cuts, skip the underground, go through Bloomingdales, and then straight west and south to Grand and the river. We got there just after the pack was again off and running. From here it was a quick loop around the Merchandise Mart and they were already out of sight. East on Wacker a few blocks and a beer stop at river level. Well, a few minutes and half a beer later and they were off again.
…..Grateful Dick and Horn-E caught a few glimpses of them as they zigzag the river heading east. The last we saw of them for a long time was as they crossed the river heading south on State. Ooops, our bad. I wasn’t watching for them and following Grateful Dick. He wasn’t watching close enough and we missed a turn arrow. Well, we were way off and looking everywhere before finally back tracking to find that damn trail. And there was a turn arrow. Well, from there it was a very simple trail until we headed towards Michigan. And then we heard whistles. There was the pack, returning form who knows where to the south. We’re finally back with the pack. Yeah, sure. We paralleled on Michigan to Randolph and then crossed the street watching the pack disappear to the east on Randolph. We ran On and Horn-E thought he saw were they disappeared to the south. But when we got there, there were no marks and no one in sight. Here we go again. We kept going east to the end and nothing. We returned and finally found a mark heading north. Great. but short lived. Going from red flour to arrows to red flour, and back and forth and no where near a straight line, might work with a large pack, but with two slow hounds, it just takes one mark where you wouldn’t normally look and one mark not there where you would normally would look, and there goes another ten minutes. Well, we finally found it and without to much difficulty we ran east along the river and then along the lower outer drive to the lakefront where the pack was just about to finish their circle at the beach.
…..So, we walked back to the bar and the beer started to flow and we all settled in. I know I left after midnight, beer was gone, but there were many hounds that looked like they were in no hurry to leave. The rest of the pack included Drill In My Box, Just Vincenzo, Four More In The Back Door, Momma Strangelove, The Dark Kunt, That Thing That Vibrates, Just Mike, Just Cynthia, Chippendale, Just Melissa, and Just Jay.
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The Tale of the Trail
The Thirstday Hash #429
Thu, Feb 9, 2012 by Horn-E
…This trail with its hares was about honoring Sphincter Grease, just returning from Afghanistan, for his tour of duty. Well done. The other hares were Return To Gender from Madison and EZ On The Ass. The bar was the Atlantic, and there was about 30 trail hounds at the start. Well done. We took off to the south with a quick Check. I saw Hoosier Daddy flying down Lincoln like he knew something. Like maybe seeing the marks on his way to the bar. He never returned, while everyone else went off on a False. So upon returning, Horn-E led us south and the FRBs soon passed him and we were on to the east and a quick beer check. Huh. But off again to the west on a zigzag course that led to some real easy shortcutting and Hoosier Daddy and Horn-E did just that and came upon Happy Ass Grabber a few blocks later checking out a Check. And we were On and leading to the west until we got to a park and Happy Ass Grabber and the pack soon passed us. From here we came to a Check at a bridge. Now normally I would think, over the bridge and all of the parks there. Wrong. It was north through the east side park and I spent the rest of the night playing catchup as the pack went north in the park, under a road in a tunnel and on to the northeast. We DFLs struggled to keep each other in sight and the rest of the pack. I almost caught up to Ginger Snatch as she was checking out a Split, but the pack went the other way and she was soon gone. We got back to the pack as they came south on Western and we missed the turn north. We finely got lucky. We crossed Western and headed east on an angled street. Hmmm. The front of the pack is missing. That means a turn to the south and Horn-E headed for an alley and saw some front runners ahead. Blowing the horn, a bunch of us caught a short cut and we ran on and south to a big park where the pack was gathering for a beer stop. Beer? Coors Light? Finely someone showed up with some PBR. But it was getting cold and we soon filtered off to the west and the bar.
…..The back room had some trivia game going on so we had to take over the front of the bar. Actually drove a large table of civilians out of the area. Sorry guys, but when the Dark Kunt takes over circle, she takes no prisoners. And a hearty circle was held. We could finally quit listening to the visitors bitching about a four mile trail being to long. I know everyone calls it a drinking club with a running problem. Well, run. Actually it is a running club that has no problem drinking beer. Finally the Dark Kunt put on her edible candy thong and was attacked by hungry hounds eating away at her crotch. I was wondering, was she farting all over that candy. Eat away guys and girls. I’m sure there will be pitchers posted. You’ll have to check that out for yourself. Circle finally ended and the pack settled into eating and drinking. I know I left well after midnight when Just Mike offered me a ride part way home. Good time. Hounds on trail, as best as I can remember included Chippendale, Fistful Of Pricks, Drill In My Box, Dick In The Box, Little Trojan Annie, O’Shitty Runch, Bubbles, from Waukesha, Bubbles The Sad Beer Clown, Whoreo, W Jew 40, Just Vincenzo, Glitter Spitter, That Thing That Vibrates, Glory Hole, Just Mike, Bang Me Blow Me Get Me Off (yeah, she’s still around. Summer must be just around the corner), Furry Spice, Silent But Deadly, Just Lilly, Two Hair Nets, Pecker Mache, Dick Licker, Eaten Alive. I also saw a litter of House Puppies, Rotton, Cock Whisperer, String Theory, Its Too Soft, and Salty Gash.
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The Tale of the Trail
The Thirstday Hash #428
Thu, Feb 2, 2012 by Horn-E
…..Glory Hole and Hood Whorenament laid this trail out of Rebel and we had 28 trail Hounds at the start, and one late comer, Chippendale, managed to run most of the trail just missing the second beer stop. We started out to the south and a Check. That left me off to the east across a lot of traffic when the trail was found to the south and then west under the El tracks. The hares got tricky here as the trail went up to a fence at a school yard. No one climbed the fence. In stead they wandered around in confusion and I managed to catch up and eventually followed Chicken Stifer who was now ranging around the schoolyard on the east side. Meanwhile Lifa ranged around the schoolyard and found trail in the school yard. Horn-E thought he heard a Check called as Lifa exited the schoolyard at the south end. So, being at an intersection, he went east and saw one mark. He yelled On One and Chicken Stifer yelled you’re On. So he blew the horn and headed east. Horn-E really wasn’t yet, but luckily he did turn out to be On and we soon headed south after the next intersection. Remember, “The first shall be last and the last shall be first and so it was written and so it shall be done.” The fleet feet soon passed me and they encountered another fence jump. Well done hares. But by then the pack found the way around the fence and saved me from climbing. I’d probable still be hanging from the top of the fence if I did try to climb it. But we ran on, under some more tracks and soon back to Sheffield and down an alley to the rooftop of Its Too Soft’s apartment. He didn’t know we were coming and wasn’t home. Fortunately no one stopped us and we cleaned up the beer cans after. From here I fell behind as the trail went over to Clark, and the six corner Intersection. this headed east and we ended up going north on Broadway until a Check(?) or turn at Roscoe. At this point I was in the back with two bimbos from Guam. I may be old and slow but I’m not stupid. We missed the turn and finally we just headed back to the bar missing the second Beer Stop. Chippendale came in shortly behind us, missing the same point, so apparently it wasn’t that obvious to one or two, but a pack of over 20, someone managed to spot it. And soon they all managed to come on in.
…..Pretty soon our RA, The Dark Kunt started the circle and the beer was flowing. Eventually we met our visitors, Panty Raider, Silent But Deadly and Just Lilly from Guam. And we also met some virgins, Just Tony, Just Kelly and Just Stephanie. Gee, I hope I got that right. Anyway, welcome to Chicago and the Thirstday Hash. Come on back and try some of the other hashes in town. The circle soon ended and so did the night as the beer soon ended. Others on trail included Just Rob, W Jew 40, The Least Interesting Man In The World, Glitter Spitter, That Thing That Vibrates, Furry Spice, Ginger Snatch, Just Larissa, House Of The Rising Sun, Lifa, Four Score In The Back Door, Salty Gash, Hoosier Daddy, Just Vincenzo, Malort My Ass, Poultry Fucker, Ice Princess, O’Shitty Runch, and Drill In My Box. We had three House Puppies, Just Laurie, Caught Red Headed and Way To Much Jism.
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The Tale of the Trail
The Thirstday Hash #427
Thu, Jan 26, 2012 by Horn-E
…..We ran out of Black Rock on Damen and our hares were Master Debater and The Least Interesting Man In The World. I think I counted 24 hounds at the start. The idea of having a virgin set a trail with a veteran, even The Least Interesting Man In The World, is that he learns from the veteran. But after about two blocks we had a T and E Split and The Least Interesting Man In The World took off on a partial live trail and I never saw him again. Apparently a few, very few followed him. Lifa found a great loop, the pack got lost in another loop with no obvious exit and very few made it to the beer stop. I didn’t know I was on the T trail and we ran back and forth some more and finally headed North West to a Split and a False. Unfortunately part of the Split disappeared and we didn’t know it was there. So we are now heading back almost a mile looking for a Split we missed or all of the way back to the T and E Split. Just Vincenso passed me and did just that and went off on the Eagle trail. I lost a small pack and did that myself, finally saying to hell with this and going back to the bar. There I found Salty Gash, Hood Whorenament and EZ On The Ass playing House Puppy. Meanwhile some occasionally found marks that just faded on the wet pavement and most found nothing, running and walking everywhere. The hare, Master Debater returned worried that he lost the slow pack, which was most of us. He did say he found W Jew 40 and Little Trojan Annie breathing hard. Not sure if it was sex or she was having another Asthma attack. But he directed them to the beer stop. Meanwhile, I joined the House Puppies to the back room and the fireplace and waited as the pack slowly trickled on in. almost last in was That Thing That Vibrates who had Hash Cash. Finally the beer started to flow and Happy Ass Grabber got the circle going.
…..At one point, Glory Hole made an announcement. An old friend, Bloody Asshole, was supposedly missing in the wilderness outside Las Vegas. About ten days. His car was found and he apparently headed out, jogging or hiking into some canyon. Glory Hole was taking donations to help the search teams. Bloody Asshole ran his first trail several years ago on Chinese New Years, at zero degrees, in shorts. Bloody legs ripped up running through frozen snow. His next trail was a Bushman and again, bloody legs. And he would continually run in sub freezing to zero degree weather in shorts and without a shirt. Fast runner too. Had to be to generate enough heat to do that. He was named here and finally moved to Las Vegas to go to school. As of this writing, he is still missing and there still is no news.
…..Who else was there. We had two visitors, Itchy Vagina and Famming Flaggot. Also there was Are They Real, Mount Schwiinga, Chicken Stifer, Fistful Of Pricks, Ginger Snatch, Crop Duster, Just Hattie, Malort My Ass, Poultry Fucker, Bar Fly, Sandy Syphilis. PlatyPussy, Just Mike and virgin Just Kelly. And five late coming House Puppies, Chunder Pussy, Back Door County, Furry Spice, Just Kate and Caught Red Headed. Actually he tried to get here on time. Took the El to Belmont and tried to transfer to the Brown Line. Instead he got on a Purple Line train and rode all of the way to Evanston. Then returned on another Purple Line. finally getting a Brown Line train to arrive just before the pack. If he wasn’t already named, we have some good material there.
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The Tale of the Trail
The Thirstday Hash #426
Thu, Jan 19, 2012 by Horn-E
…..W Jew 40 and Just Mike laid this A to B trail out of Cleo’s. Thanks to a CTA detour, I arrived at 8:00, well after they left and just in time to see PlattyPussy arrive back at the bar. Unfortunately he wasn’t supposed to arrive back at the bar. He lost the pack and the trail. Yeah, PlattyPussy. Inside we found the injured and not running Furry Spice who would soon drive over to the finish. There we found W Jew 40 waiting in a car, with beer. Fine, we could wait, warm, and drink beer. Not. He brings us into a loading dock and raises the door for the soon to arrive pack. Not. He swore that GPS had it at about 3.25 miles for this frigid hash. Like Zero Degrees. That means no degrees. So about 8:20 we were standing in this little hovel, freezing. PlattyPussyhas these gloves where there is a little hole that you can uncover and blow your warm breath on your hands to warm them. Talk about a right handed blow job. The pack arrived about a half hour later. We were getting numb.

…..But the pack didn’t look to bad off. Running generates heat. Tell that to Glitter Spitter. And Little Orphan Annie was having another asthma attack while shivering. Finally the DFL, Hoosier Daddy arrived and we could go into W Jew 40′s band’s practice room and turn on some space heaters.
…..Happy Ass Grabber soon called the circle together and the hares got many a down down. Hoosier Daddy got one for using a stick to poke a frozen pile of sh*t for about five minutes to see if it would come alive. No, it wasn’t The Thing. It went down hill from there. PlatyPussy got one for being the reincarnation of Horn-E complete with horns and a well trimmed beard that looked like it came from a mop. Chippendale took another collection for pizza. At least this time he didn’t order five olive pizzas. Anchovies. We actually saw sausages too. No, not Chippendales. And Pull My Pork told about going to the hospital to see our GM just as she woke up from some surgery (new and bigger boobs?). Her comment was. “You’re here.” He must really want those boobs. But we all appreciate her and Horn-E sang a song for her. “Our GM’s in the hospital, she’s just like a vegetable, we’ll do most anything to keep her alive.” With four verses yet. Nice call Horn-E. But all was good and we ate and drank and then headed out into the frigid wilderness. The other Trail Hounds included That Thing That Vibrates, Dr. Fudge Knuckles, Ginger Snatch, Drill In My Box and Just Vincenzo
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The Tale of the Trail
The Thirstday Hash #424
Thu, Jan 5, 2012 by Horn-E
…..This was a trail by Happy Ass Grabber and Just Hattie laying for the first time. And then she had to leave for work. We were promised an outdoor short circle so we mostly dressed for it. Yeah sure. We took off straight west and mostly kept up with that. Finally the trail seemed to turn back towards the east when the FRBs missed a Check in a field. But Happy Ass Grabber caught them and yelled Check. So the following Horn-E headed for an obvious underpass when he spotted an arrow. West. And soon he had three and called On On. At the next Triple Split he headed for another underpass. Unfortunately the trail didn’t and went north instead to a point where the pack found two beers to share. From here we headed west some more and soon we were getting stretched out. Perfect time for a loop and that is what we got. Soon the trailing Horn-E saw the pack returning, being led by Four More In The Back Door. Looking around, there was a mark and Horn-E was in front again. Remember, the first shall be last and the last shall be first, and so it is written and so it shall be done.” again and again. Horn-E took a split to the left and found a Back Check. Now he was last coming up to the next mini beer stop. Damn. But we were soon heading through an underpass and now back to the east. We are now running in neighborhood streets and that old man is falling behind again. So as the pack goes left, right, Horn-E follows a block to the north. And soon enough he hits a street and Tampon Tampoff is running towards him. He is yelling Check. so Horn-E picks up on it and Checks to the north. Nothing. Crossing the street he heads south after Tampon Tampoff when he spots an arrow on a window ledge. Window Ledge? That is nasty. But Horn-E got lucky again. So he heads north and after a long block he is finally ON. We got lucky on that one. But the pack soon catches up and we run on to the beer stop in a field where there is beer hidden in a bush.
…..And so we start a circle. Good sipping beers and cheap down down beers. And Glitter Spitter yelling and panicking about all of the burrs in her,,,, or on her. Finally as we are getting to the freezing limits, Tampon Tampoff mentions that he lives across the street. WHAT? WHAT? And you leave us out here freezing. So we head over there and continue the circle. Nice place. One bedroom, two bathroom apartment. Huh. After the circle Tampon Tampoff brings out his pet. Now all of you bimbos need to listen to this. If Tampon Tampoff ever invites you to his place to see his snake, it isn’t what you think. And when he mentions the size, 4.5, it isn’t inches. And if he tells you it will lick you and wrap itself all around you, believe it. And if you feel anything wrapping itself tightly around you, make sure it is his arms and not his snake. This one doesn’t squirt, it swallows. Of course the real dangerous one is still the one that squirts. I’ll bet he calls it Cobra.
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